Behavioral therapy for kids: "Your kiddo’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day"

Your kid just got home from school and appeared to have a bad day. You see that they are moping around the house or maybe are in tears. You naturally want to ask what happened or try to find a way for them to share so you can help them, but they are very tight-lipped. Perhaps your child is more naturally sensitive, more private in general, or experiences shame or guilt which may keep them from sharing often. Some parents, in these instances, find themselves wanting to push their kids to share and know that if they just shared they may feel better. Often this makes logical sense and being able to share and open up may allow for some relief and take weight off of their shoulders, but for some kids it is not so easy to communicate or find relief this way. Oftentimes, more sensitive kids can feel like his or her own autonomy has been taken and in some ways can feel like a violation if pushed or asked too many questions. The pressure to share can often have the opposite effect, causing the kid to not want to share things and tighten up even more. I’m reminded of the example of trying to support a toddler to eat their lunch or dinner when they may not be hungry, disinterested, or simply practicing their own autonomy the best they can by refusing. The harder you try the more they push back. Sometimes the best strategy is to be playful with the food, being curious about the food, singing and being silly or simply not reacting when they aren’t eating. So with a kid’s bad day, a similar approach can be to not hit the topic head on and work around it. What may be best is to ask if they want to do something with you that they prefer and allow them to spend quality time with you. By not forcing the issue, they may open up more as they feel that pressure lift and feel connected and able to regulate their emotions with you without having to verbally express what happened. This may take some practice and new trust built in this way if past attempts at helping have been more direct, leading to your kid shutting down. It also may be worth exploring what you believe your child's love language is, which may help them feel more connected to you and find ways of sharing or receiving support from you.

This is an example of some of the dynamics I see when working with families of sensitive and deep feeling kids. No one approach is right for helping your kids work through difficult emotions and experiences. Paying deeper attention to your child’s way of communicating and their needs and or maybe you will need a behavioral therapy for your kid, to develop strategies may be helpful. If you have any questions or seek further information, don’t hesitate to reach me at ryangogartytherapy@gmail.com or by phone, 925-335-6778.

Thank you for reading! Explore more about my therapy approach on Psychology Today.