Setting and Holding Boundaries and Why it is Necessary for Growth

As parents, we want our children to feel happy and hate to see them struggle. However, sometimes in the pursuit of this, we can unintentionally hinder their growth by not setting appropriate limits and boundaries. For instance, maybe we allow longer times on technology as a way to alleviate sadness caused by something that happened at school. Or maybe a certain sport or obligation for them has been difficult and they want to quit before the season or activity is over and we allow it

Learning how to navigate discomfort is crucial for growth. An old friend and colleague used to say, "Comfortability sacrifices growth, and growth sacrifices comfortability."

It might seem that setting boundaries could mean being uncompromising on everything, but it's not about pushing your children through every challenge they face. Each situation is unique and requires thoughtful consideration of the positive and negative impacts of accepting their requests. For example, allowing more screen time when a child is having a bad day might reinforce this as a primary coping strategy for anxiety or stress.

CPR is a common acronym I use to think about this. If you decide that boundaries need to be set with your children, Consistency, Predictability, and Reliability (CPR)  are key factors in effective parenting. This means setting limits regularly, making them understandable and expected, and ensuring they can be followed through realistically without burning out as a parent.

Communication is also crucial when establishing boundaries. You should discuss your observations with your child, hear their perspective, and then develop expectations that they will need to follow. It's important to clearly define consequences for not adhering to these new rules.

The point of boundaries is simply to prepare kids for future challenges and responsibilities when we are no longer there. If we constantly try to eliminate their struggles, we might be reinforcing attitudes and behaviors that could cause problems down the line. 

The hardest part of setting boundaries can be dealing with pushback from our children. This is often referred to as an "extinction burst," where kids react more strongly because they're not used to these new limits. It's crucial to remain consistent and patient, allowing your child to adjust to the changes over time.

In conclusion, while holding limits and boundaries can be painful sometimes, it is necessary for our children's growth and development. By consistently enforcing these limitations, we are teaching them important life skills such as responsibility, resilience, and self-discipline. It may not always feel easy or comfortable in the moment, but the long-term benefits to their wellbeing make it a worthwhile endeavor.

If you have any questions or seek further information, don’t hesitate to reach me at ryangogartytherapy@gmail.com or by phone, 925-335-6778.

Thank you for reading! Explore more about my therapy approach on Psychology Today.